Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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