what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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