i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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