i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
