Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
