I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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