Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
