i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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