i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
