so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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