textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
