Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
