Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
