saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
