I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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