Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
