o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
