She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
