it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
