I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I have tasted many bathrooms
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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