I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
