I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
