I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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