When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
