if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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