Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
tell me about the eggs
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
