Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
