as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
