Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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