Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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