I can text with my tongue
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
