So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
