I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
