I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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