My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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