the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
