my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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