I just threw up on my dentist
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
