I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
