I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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