I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
