I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
