I skipped work to stalk him.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
