does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
