I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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