Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
sarcasm needs its own font
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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