So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
