i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
