god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
His nipple licking is glorious
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