When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
